“Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” Plato
Judging by the fact that you’re reading this article, you probably feel you lack something to be desired when it comes to your sexual performance. This has become an all too common feeling in men. There’s a lot of pressure to perform, and many of us don’t feel like we’re living up to our duties.
That’s exactly where the problem starts. We feel that, during sex, there are certain things we have to do or not do. We think we need to last just the right amount of time (not too long, not too short) and send shivers down our partner’s spine.
The problem is that we’re not perfect. Sometimes we’re going to come up short (no pun intended). If we dwell on these issues, it can easily lead to the problem resurfacing. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want sex to be an enjoyable experience, you need to take certain steps.
If you’re having doubts, fears or concerns before sex, you need to talk to your partner about it. I know this sounds scary, but if you can’t communicate with someone, you’re never going to have the kind of deep connection that leads to a fantastic sex life. After all, it takes more than attraction to build good chemistry.
Consider the wisdom of Anais Nin, “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
Express your anxiety about the situation. Often times, an understanding partner can help you overcome any insecurities. This will help to make you more relaxed, which will allow both of you to enjoy your time together.
One of the biggest problems with men’s sex lives is their own expectations. Watching pornography can lead to some seriously unrealistic assumptions. You need to understand that almost no one is that big and lasts that long, while keeping their partner fully satisfied. And don’t get me started on the women. If you expect to land a partner that looks like a porn star, you’ve already set yourself up for major disappointment.
The best thing you can do is enter every sexual experience with absolutely no expectations. No matter how many times you’ve been together before, each time will be different, and that’s part of the beauty. Learn to accept what’s happening for what it is, instead of comparing it to some mental image you have of how it should be.
Voltaire reminds us, “perfect is the enemy of good.”
Your diet has a major impact on all areas of your life. It affects your body, your circulation and your energy levels. Eating unhealthy can leave you feeling tired or anxious, and it can even lead to erectile dysfunction (learn more here).
Conversely, eating healthy will have many benefits for you. It will help your energy levels soar, while keeping you relaxed. Improved blood flow will also be a welcomed side effect for many of us.
As stated earlier in this article, our issues with sexual performance are often mental. If we can learn to control our thoughts and relax, we’ll have a much easier time when it comes to sex. Meditation is a great way to gain insight into, and control of, your thought process.
During meditation, you’ll learn to sit with yourself without judgment (this article has tips for beginners). Thoughts will come and go as they normally do, but you don’t get attached to them. This will allow you to find the root cause of many of your anxieties. As you deal with these issues, they are often times eliminated for good.
Dan Millman said, “You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.”
At the very least, meditation will help you to relax. As you lower your stress levels, you’ll find it much easier to enjoy sex. When you enjoy sex, you perform better. After all, everyone likes an enthusiastic partner.
Seek Professional Help
Don’t assume you need to suffer in silence. Don’t tell yourself you deserve this torture as a punishment for something you’ve done or said. J. Donald Walters says, “Happiness is not a brilliant climax [sorry for the pun] to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.”
You deserve to be happy. And sometimes it takes a little help to unearth that happiness. There is no shame in that fact.
You might not be able to solve all the problems on your own. That’s okay. If that’s the case for you, there’s absolutely no shame in seeking professional help. There are many people who base their entire careers on sex therapy, and they can help you find solutions to the issues you’re facing.
Don’t Give Up
Sex can be one of the most pleasurable and enjoyable experiences in life, if you are open to it. If you let worry and doubt consume you, however, it can turn into a terrifying ordeal. Above all, you have to relax and enjoy each experience to get the most out of it.
Steven Hayes said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Isn’t it time to get yourself something different? You deserve a good sex life. Go get it!
During his years studying and practicing psychology, sociology, and family counseling, Dan Robertson has helped many men overcome their performance anxiety.
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